A Couple's Journey Through Divorce, Separation, and finding the Sacred Connection

Shane and Lisa represent the countless individuals navigating the complex terrain of second marriages, blended families, and spiritual healing. Shane, a father of three boys from his first marriage, found himself struggling through six years of spiritual and emotional drift after his divorce in 2014. His journey included moving back in with his parents, falling away from church attendance, and engaging in relationships that left him feeling unfulfilled yet afraid to pursue what his heart truly desired. Lisa, coming out of her own traumatic first marriage, had done the difficult work of learning healthy relationship patterns and emotional communication through nearly two decades of growth and self-discovery.

When these two souls met in 2020 through a blind date setup, they brought vastly different levels of emotional maturity and spiritual readiness to their relationship. Lisa had already learned the value of working through issues rather than avoiding them, while Shane was just beginning to understand that his patterns of emotional hiding and avoidance were sabotaging his connections. Their four-year marriage journey, including a separation in 2022 and subsequent reconciliation, offers valuable insights into the ongoing work required for authentic partnership.

This is a story about the courage required to learn new ways of being in relationship as adults, the healing that comes through being truly seen and accepted, and the spiritual growth that emerges when we finally stop hiding from ourselves and others. Their experience demonstrates that even the most challenging relationship patterns can be transformed when both partners are willing to do the work of becoming more authentic versions of themselves.

Navigating Life After Divorce: Living a life of Self-Deception  

The aftermath of divorce often creates a unique form of emotional wilderness where individuals must reconstruct their identity and future vision. Shane's experience following his 2014 divorce illustrates how easy it becomes to drift into what feels like freedom but is actually a form of self-deception. Moving back in with his parents while caring for three young boys, he initially focused on practical stability rather than addressing the deeper emotional and spiritual implications of his life change. This avoidance of deeper questions became a pattern that would define the next six years of his life.

During this period, Shane gradually distanced himself from church attendance and spiritual practices, yet maintained a belief that he was genuinely happy with his new lifestyle. He engaged in relationships that lasted six months to a year, all while knowing they wouldn't lead to the temple marriage he still desired deep in his heart. This contradiction created an internal tension that required increasing levels of mental and emotional gymnastics to maintain. He describes having to numb his conscience and engage in various forms of self-deception to reconcile his actions with his values.

The danger of this phase lies not in the obvious destructive behaviors, but in the subtle way it allows individuals to believe they're thriving while actually moving further away from their authentic selves. Shane's experience demonstrates how someone can maintain the appearance of functionality and even happiness while systematically disconnecting from their deepest values and desires. This form of spiritual and emotional drift often feels safer than the vulnerability required for authentic living, yet it ultimately leads to a hollow existence that requires constant maintenance to sustain.

Finding Safety in Vulnerability: Courage through finding Love

The transformative moment in Shane's journey came through his third date with Lisa, when he made the decision to reveal his true spiritual and emotional state rather than continue presenting a false version of himself. This decision arose from his recognition that Lisa represented something sacred that he couldn't dishonor through deception. Her response to his confession became a turning point that would reshape his understanding of what love could offer. Instead of judgment or rejection, Lisa met his vulnerability with acceptance and love, creating a safe space that he had never experienced before.

This experience of unconditional acceptance provided Shane with his first taste of what authentic emotional safety could feel like in a relationship. Lisa's ability to hold space for his truth without needing to fix, change, or judge him created the foundation for his eventual healing journey. The contrast between this experience and his previous patterns of hiding and shame was so striking that it began to crack open possibilities he had never imagined. He describes feeling loved in a way that was completely foreign to his previous experiences.

The spiritual dimensions of this connection also played a significant role in Shane's willingness to trust the process. During one of their early conversations at a park, he experienced a vision of Lisa as someone who would walk with him through a lighted hallway out of darkness. This spiritual confirmation provided additional validation that pursuing authenticity with her was not only safe but divinely supported. These experiences demonstrate how the right relationship can create the conditions for healing and growth that seemed impossible when facing these challenges alone.

The Breaking Point: When Separation Becomes a Teacher  

Despite the initial breakthrough in vulnerability and connection, Shane and Lisa's marriage faced significant challenges as they attempted to blend their families and navigate their different levels of emotional maturity. Shane's lifelong patterns of emotional hiding and avoidance didn't disappear simply because he had found a safe relationship. Instead, these patterns created ongoing communication difficulties that eventually led to their separation in 2022, two years into their marriage. The crisis forced both partners to confront the reality that good intentions and love alone weren't sufficient to create the relationship they desired.

The period leading up to their separation was marked by Shane's inability to express his emotions and needs effectively, even when he recognized their importance. He describes sitting silently during important conversations, paralyzed by fears of losing arguments, being subjected to scrutiny, or appearing weak through vulnerability. This communication breakdown created distance and frustration for both partners, despite their genuine love and commitment to each other. Lisa's suggestion that Shane seek professional help became the catalyst for his eventual transformation.

The separation itself served as a wake-up call that motivated Shane to finally address patterns that had contributed to the failure of his first marriage as well. Recognizing that he was facing the potential loss of a second marriage forced him to acknowledge that the problem might not be external circumstances but his own emotional and relational skills. This recognition required him to overcome his resistance to therapy and begin the humbling process of learning basic emotional literacy as an adult. The crisis became the motivation he needed to finally invest in the personal growth he had been avoiding.

Rebuilding Through Learning: Journey of Growth   through support

Shane's therapy experience with Austin marked the beginning of a systematic approach to learning emotional intelligence and communication skills that most people develop much earlier in life. This process required him to overcome significant resistance to the idea of discussing feelings with another man, as well as his general discomfort with vulnerability and emotional expression. However, the alternative of losing his marriage provided sufficient motivation to push through these barriers and begin developing new capacities for authentic relationships.

The learning process involved several key areas of development that transformed not only his marriage but his relationships with his children, coworkers, and others in his life:

1. Identifying and naming emotions as they arose in real-time

2. Learning to express feelings without fear of judgment or conflict

3. Developing the ability to listen and empathize with others' emotional experiences

4. Building trust through consistent vulnerable communication

5. Understanding how to work through disagreements without shutting down

6. Practicing emotional regulation during difficult conversations

As Shane developed these skills, he began to experience the connection and intimacy that had always felt elusive in his relationships. The moments of deepest connection with Lisa consistently followed their most vulnerable and authentic conversations, reinforcing the value of emotional honesty despite its initial discomfort. This positive feedback loop helped motivate continued growth and risk-taking in the realm of emotional intimacy.

The spiritual dimensions of Shane's growth also deepened during this period as he served as a gospel doctrine instructor teaching the New Testament. His study of Jesus Christ's life and teachings, combined with his personal growth work, helped him develop a more personal relationship with the Savior. This spiritual development supported his emotional growth and provided additional motivation for continuing the difficult work of becoming more authentic in all his relationships.

An Invitation to Authentic Connection  

Shane and Lisa's story offers hope for anyone struggling with emotional intimacy, spiritual disconnection, or the challenges of adult learning and growth. Their journey demonstrates that it's never too late to develop new capacities for authentic relationships, even when old patterns feel deeply entrenched. The key lies in recognizing when crisis moments offer opportunities for transformation rather than simply enduring or avoiding them.

If you find yourself resonating with Shane's experience of emotional hiding or Lisa's journey of learning to address problems directly, consider what small steps you might take toward greater authenticity in your relationships. This might involve seeking professional help to develop emotional intelligence, having an overdue conversation with someone you love, or simply beginning to notice and name your emotions as they arise. The path to deeper connection always begins with the courage to be seen as you truly are.

The most beautiful aspect of Shane and Lisa's story is their demonstration that love grows stronger through vulnerability rather than despite it. When we risk being fully known by another person, we create the possibility for the kind of connection that transforms both individuals and their capacity to serve others. Begin your own journey toward authentic connection today, trusting that the vulnerability required for real love is always worth the risk.

Take the journey to discovering strength, love, and resilience in your marriage. Visit the One by One podcast, listen to their episodes, and consider how you might be part of this cause. Reach out if you or anyone around you needs support, or if you feel the calling to help or support others.