Thriving in a Second Marriage by Beating the Odds and Defying Expectations

The One by One podcast creates a sacred space for individuals to share their most vulnerable stories of faith, healing, and transformation. Through compassionate interviewing and authentic conversation, the show provides a platform for guests to explore how spiritual principles intersect with real-life challenges, offering hope and guidance to listeners navigating their own difficult seasons. The hosts' commitment to honest dialogue creates an environment where guests can share deeply personal experiences that might otherwise remain hidden, helping others feel less alone in their struggles. In this latest episode of the One By One show, Shane and Lisa share their remarkable journey of building a thriving second marriage against overwhelming statistical odds.

When Shane and Lisa first met through his sister-in-law during the early days of COVID, neither expected their relationship to defy overwhelming statistical odds. Shane was navigating life as a divorced father of three, having spent six years spiritually adrift after his first marriage ended. Lisa had recently escaped a 19-year abusive marriage with her six children, emerging with a renewed faith and clear vision of what she wanted in a partner. Together, they represented a statistic that marriage researchers know well: second marriages with children face divorce rates that increase by approximately 10% per child involved.

With nine combined children between them, their union carried a staggering 90% probability of failure according to academic research. Yet four years later, Shane and Lisa stand as a testament that even the most challenging circumstances can be transformed into lasting love when both partners commit to genuine growth, vulnerability, and divine guidance. Their journey from that awkward first camping trip to their temple sealing reveals the messy, beautiful reality of building something eternal from broken pieces.

Their story offers hope for anyone rebuilding after relationship trauma, demonstrating that second marriages don't have to repeat the patterns of the first. Through separation, therapy, spiritual awakening, and the courage to face uncomfortable truths about themselves, Shane and Lisa discovered that the key to lasting love isn't finding someone perfect—it's becoming willing to do the hard work of transformation together.

The Spiritual Foundation That Changes Everything  

The foundation of Shane and Lisa's relationship was built on something neither expected: divine revelation that came despite their vastly different spiritual states. Lisa describes receiving clear spiritual guidance about their future together immediately after their first extended interaction, even though she had initially planned to decline any further contact politely. This experience of receiving revelation about a relationship's potential, rather than relying solely on feelings or compatibility, became the anchor that carried them through their most difficult seasons.

Shane's spiritual journey during this time was markedly different. Having spent years questioning his faith and struggling with resentment toward organized religion, he found himself drawn to someone whose conviction represented everything he felt afraid of or inadequate about. This dynamic created an unusual courtship where the spiritually grounded partner wasn't trying to convert or fix the struggling one, but rather allowing space for natural growth while maintaining her own standards and boundaries.

The spiritual experiences they shared early in their relationship became crucial reference points during later challenges. When trust eroded and communication broke down, they could return to those foundational moments when they both felt divine confirmation about their union. This spiritual grounding provided stability that purely emotional or physical attraction couldn't sustain during the inevitable storms of blending two broken families with complex histories and ongoing healing needs.

Navigating the Minefield of Blended Family Dynamics  

Creating a functional blended family with nine children required Shane and Lisa to confront challenges that go far beyond typical newlywed adjustments. The logistics alone of managing different custody schedules, parenting styles, and family traditions demanded constant communication and flexibility. More complex were the emotional dynamics of children who had already experienced the trauma of divorce and were now being asked to accept new family members and potentially different rules or expectations.

The couple discovered that putting their marriage first, rather than trying to win over each other's children immediately, actually served the entire family better in the long run. This counter-intuitive approach required them to resist the natural tendency to prioritize their biological children's comfort over their spouse's needs. They learned that children feel more secure when they see their parent in a strong, united partnership, even if that partnership requires some adjustment periods and difficult conversations.

Financial pressures, ex-spouse relationships, and the simple complexity of managing multiple schedules created constant opportunities for conflict. Shane and Lisa found that their ability to present a united front on major decisions, while allowing flexibility in smaller matters, helped establish the stability their combined family desperately needed. The process wasn't smooth or immediate, but their commitment to working through problems rather than around them eventually created the trust and security that allowed all nine children to thrive in their new family structure.

The Hard Work of Breaking Destructive Patterns  

Both Shane and Lisa brought significant baggage from their previous marriages that threatened to undermine their new relationship. Shane struggled with habits and dependencies that weren't compatible with the spiritual lifestyle Lisa wanted to build, including regular use of substances that created division between them. These weren't necessarily extreme addictions, but patterns that consumed time, created environments incompatible with spiritual growth, and separated them during crucial bonding opportunities when they had custody of their respective children.

Lisa faced the challenge of distinguishing between past trauma responses and legitimate concerns about current behaviors. Having experienced deception and emotional manipulation in her first marriage, she found herself triggered by any behavior that resembled those patterns, even when Shane's motivations and character were fundamentally different. This required her to do her own emotional work while also setting clear boundaries about what she would and wouldn't accept in their relationship.

The breaking point came when these unresolved issues led to a temporary separation. Rather than ending their relationship, this crisis became the catalyst for both partners to address their individual problems with complete honesty. Shane committed to eliminating the behaviors that were driving wedges between them, while Lisa worked on healing her trauma responses and learning to communicate her needs without being controlled by past fears. This period of separation, though painful, allowed them to return to each other as more whole individuals ready to build something sustainable together.

Communication Breakthrough: Learning to Fight Well  

One of the most significant transformations in Shane and Lisa's relationship came through learning how to navigate conflict constructively rather than avoiding it or allowing it to become destructive. Shane admits that initially, he would rather have been physically hurt than forced to examine his emotions or acknowledge when Lisa's concerns were valid. This resistance to emotional vulnerability created cycles where problems went unresolved and resentment built on both sides.

Lisa's challenge was learning to express her needs and concerns without triggering Shane's defensive responses, while also not minimizing her own feelings to keep the peace. She discovered that her requests for emotional safety were often misunderstood as criticisms of Shane's character, when what she really needed was reassurance that he was hearing and valuing her perspective. Learning to distinguish between feeling emotionally safe and feeling physically threatened became crucial for both of them.

The breakthrough came when they developed systems for addressing conflicts in real-time rather than letting issues fester. Even when these conversations were exhausting and lasted for hours, they found that resolving problems immediately prevented the emotional distance that had characterized both of their previous marriages. They learned that avoiding difficult conversations in the moment to preserve short-term peace actually robbed them of long-term intimacy and connection.

Key Elements of Their Communication Transformation:

1. Immediate engagement - addressing problems when they arise rather than postponing difficult conversations

2. Emotional honesty - sharing real feelings even when vulnerable or uncomfortable

3. Assumption of positive intent - believing their partner wants the relationship to succeed

4. Commitment to resolution - staying in difficult conversations until both feel heard and understood

5. Regular reconnection - intentionally rebuilding intimacy after working through conflict

6. Team mentality - approaching problems as challenges to solve together rather than battles to win

Building Something Eternal: Your Second Chance Awaits  

Shane and Lisa's journey from that awkward first camping trip to their temple sealing four years later proves that second marriages can become everything the first ones weren't. Their story dismantles the myth that broken people are destined to repeat their mistakes, showing instead that the right combination of spiritual foundation, honest communication, and mutual commitment to growth can create relationships that are stronger than either partner imagined possible.

The statistics that predicted their failure didn't account for their willingness to face uncomfortable truths about themselves, seek divine guidance during their most challenging moments, and prioritize their relationship even when it required sacrificing other preferences or habits. Their success wasn't accidental or effortless—it was the result of daily choices to choose vulnerability over self-protection, growth over comfort, and each other over the easier path of giving up when things got difficult.

If you're contemplating a second marriage, navigating the challenges of blending families, or working to rebuild trust after betrayal, Shane and Lisa's story offers both hope and practical guidance. The path forward isn't about finding someone who won't trigger your past wounds or challenge your current limitations—it's about becoming the kind of person who can build something beautiful with another imperfect human being who shares your commitment to growth. Your second chance at love doesn't have to look like your first attempt, and with the right foundation and commitment to doing the hard work, it can become everything you've always wanted but never knew was possible.